I hope my margaritas pass through security.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
