I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
