so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
