Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
