You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
