you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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