it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
