No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I came so hard my ears popped.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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