you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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