For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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