You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
