So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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