i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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