remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
