I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
