and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
