I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I met the friendliest cop last night
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
