I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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