I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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