she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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