I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
