Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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