I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Randomize
