I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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