i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
