Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
