our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
