Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
