you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
