Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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