is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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