I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
