i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
