Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
