He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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