I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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