I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Randomize
