FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
