dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
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