i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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