Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
