you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
