Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i think my mom watched the whole time
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
