Your face is a jimmy john
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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