fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
