I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
