Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
