i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Houston, we have a blender
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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