maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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