why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
